During the last 20 years of Constellations we have been able to observe how family systems work. Let me share a few observations with you. These are not only my own observations but also those of Bert Hellinger and other colleagues in the field.
In the sincere connection between man and woman, like in a marriage, we fully serve the flow of life. It is the start of a new family system. In this new family system unfortunaltely we often stay loyal to our old family system. This explains many matrimonial problems. The key does lie in learning to honour our own family system and also the other with his or her family system.
Let me go into detail here. From the love for our ancestors and their dependents we repeat the patterns belonging to them. We follow them through unconscious loyalty. I do also mention the dependents here because of the unseen Family Members. The people that for whatever reason haven’t been acknowledged. Here one can think of unborn children but also of (ex)partners or war victims and perpetrators. Aspecially the ones that haven’t been seen still want to take their place in the system through younger people. Unconsciously children always take these positions in order to create more of a balance. Often at the expense of life and of themselves. During Family Constellations we make this visible and we make sure that the soul can start moving again in a way that does serve the flow of life. We eliminate these entanglements.
Dear,
I have started therapy more than 20 years ago because I tend to automatically crash. In the area of relationships with friends, work and family everything crashes. I have very negative experiences of being bullied in relationships and at work. Years of a diverse range of therapies, among other things Family Constellations, have made many things visible. Finally I also had to quit my job after a lot of depression and heavy physical complaints like hernia in back and neck, fibromyalgia and over-tiredness. Since two and a half years I live withdrawn from circulation, I take therapy and at the moment I am active doing “Vanishing Twin”. Nothing really seems to help me ahead. I have gained a lot of insight and want to take the step to let go. I notice that my husbands systems and mine automatically takes on a neurotic balance, neither of us is able to get away from this. We gradually cannot take it anymore. Our many efforts and the efforts of skilled Family System therapists sometimes give us some relief for just a moment, but…… Each time we try to start a new. The negative experiences continue to be our part. The insights don’t take us any step further, it seems our Family Systems aren’t fertile. Our life is hard, often impossible. We cannot go on together or alone. We continue to crash in the sucking negative power of our Family System. Can we get out of this together or alone?
Friendly regards and thanks a lot for reading my request for help.
Please answer me, Annemie
Dear Annemie,
Thank you for the openness and realness of your question. You write about a lot of pain. It is hard if you experience your life this way. I am not sure if you are able to get out of this. It is clear that there have been many people trying to help you before you asked me. Without placing myself above them and in connection to you I can tell you now that you alone will be able to find an answer within yourself. Nothing else will be able to help you but the deep power that is hidden inside of you, your life and your destiny. All that has been and everything that is inside of you now belongs to you, however painful or sad it may be. First of all you will have to learn to accept these deep powers or like you call them: “Sucking Negative Power”. Allow these to be and do not place yourself above it or judge that something is wrong. Learn to let go. It is often this image of things having to be right that helps maintain things being bad. Next to the fact that life is giving you a lot of Karma or Fate or whatever you call it. It is up to you to extract power from this or to let yourself be overwhelmed.
This is where you are at the present moment, with all your insights and the Constellations. What you need right now is stable and practical support to manage your daily life in a secure way. Sleep well, eat well, exercise, fresh air, work etc. Here you’ve got to take into account that every small step is a victory. Every euro that you earn, every step in the woods that you take, every warm cup of tea. Do not forget to look at what you do have. All the beautiful things, like the sun shining today, the beautiful snow, the relationship. I wish you a lot of good and please realize that I don’t know any better than you do. I am on your side.
Warm regards,
Hylke Bonnema